(Source: atavus)
The topic of growing older seems to be so prominent in my life right now. Tomorrow is my last day of my junior year in high school. That’s completely incomprehensible to me. I remember the first day of this year as if it were a few hours ago, and now 10 months have passed. I don’t know if I’m ready to be a senior. I think I’m mature and smart enough, I just can’t believe that I’m old enough. I’m still in 7th grade in my heart. My first impulse is to right 2008 on all of my school papers and I don’t know why. I know what year it is, I guess I just can’t believe time has passed so quickly. I’m scared and unsure of the future, but I’m ready. This is another new beginning and a chance to make the best of the time I’m lucky enough to have been given.
so today i was thinking (that’s an indication that this is going to be a super long blog about things that probably won’t make sense to you but i want to post it anyway) about all of the things i planned on doing this summer or wanted to do. and here i am, a week away from that dreaded first day of…i don’t have to say it…and i haven’t done anything i wanted to get accomplished. literally, nothing. to be completely honest, this summer sucked…a lot. i know what you’re thinking, i still have a week left, but thats not nearly enough time to do everything i want to. sure, some things were not super important and i can still do them, but there are big things i told myself i was going to do that i didn’t, and now it’s too late.
i wanted to change this summer. by the end of the school year in june i was so completely miserable and unhappy with myself that i swore i was going to be different by september. tomorrow is september 1st and i’m pretty much the same person i was in june. i can’t tell you exactly how i planned to change, and maybe i’ll figure it out in the next 7 days, but i wanted to be different. this summer, i also planned to find someone. i realize that you really can’t plan for that stuff and “it’ll happen when it’s suppose to” blahblahblah, but i tried to do everything i could to put myself out there, and it just ended in me being more lonely than before. finding someone who could possibly mean something and then seeing them disappear out of your life and knowing that it’s your own fault and you let it happen is one of the worst feelings ever. people tell me that if it was meant to be he’ll come back into my life, but i find it hard to believe.
so what do i plan on doing with my last 168 hours of freedom? i want to go to the playground near my house. i want to use sparklers. i want to lay outside under the stars and have a heart-to-heart conversation with someone. i want to learn how to cook on a grill. i want to get as many starbucks passion tea lemonades as i can. i want to drive somewhere with someone other than myself, since having my license has, so far, been pointless. i want to cover my driveway with sidewalk chalk. i want to go to the beach. i want to complete an entire song, music and lyrics. i want to give someone a really big hug. i just want to be truly happy, even if it’s only for a little while. i’ve got 7 days to do it all…and then some.
time is free, but its priceless.
you can’t own it, but you can use it.
you can’t keep it, but you can spend it.
once you’ve lost it, you can never get it back.